Breaking up is Hard to Do – Bye, My Beloved Benito

In just a few short months, I’ll be taking that slow, graceful walk down the aisle. In a very 2005 so-it-must-be-drop-waisted dress, with a bouquet of seasonal flowers wrapped with ribbon-dyed-to-match clutched just below my chest. Head slightly lowered, eyes glimmering with a just the faintest of dew, and perhaps a shy, innocent, virginal barely-there smile. It’s the walk that every girl, from the moment she realizes that she is a girl, dreams wistfully about. Every girl, except me.

I’ve never fantasized it, so thank garsh I just have to sashay down that ridiculous aisle in a tea-length tangerine bridesmaid’s dress! No no no, I’m not getting married, for fox ache. (How dare you wish such evil upon me!) It’s my sister’s wedding. *phew*

And yes, I did say tangerine. Like Tang powdered orange drink, it’s so bad send it into outer space with NASA. Oh of course, I’m sure I’ll wear the dress again. If I ever lose my sanity and start dating a 17 year old boy, I can wear it to his high school Prom! *rolls eyes* And I certainly won’t be sexy sashaying. I’ll be hobbling along in glittery gold strappy stiletto sandals. Oh, bridezilla, the curses you put on us!

So what does this mean? This *ew* event in the next few months?

It means that I must finally use that one four letter word that I just can’t bring myself to type right now. I have no problem with any four letter words, except the one that starts with D, ends with T, and rhymes with “riot.” Diet. *ack!* There, I typed it. *spit*

Even after all the *roll eyes* I do about people who diet, I must now surrender my buffalo stance and make a modification to my lifestyle with a diet *spit*, otherwise, I really will look like a fat little tangerine rolling down the aisle. And that’s assuming I’ll even fit into the dress in the first place.

curly cheesecurly cheese that drips grease like a pimp’s activated jheri curl

And ultimately, that very sadly means that Benito and I have to “take a break.” Because somehow over last two months, I have gone stark naked. Oops – that’s my other blog *wink*. I mean stark raving mad and loosened my restriction of Benito’s every-once-in-a-desperate while. I actually let myself eat Benito’s nachos at least once a week, more often it was twice, and holy shiitake mushroom, sometimes even three times. And not even between the acceptably naughty hours of 2 and 5 am. I mean, sometimes, I would actually stop in at *blush* 8 pm for a dinner! I know! Was I crazy?!?! I know Benito isn’t good for me, but everyone knows that girls only like the ones that are bad for them. ;)

But it’s so hard to have to make that decision. Of course in my logical left brain I know Benito is soooo totally beneath me. I mean, come on, he only makes $2.29 for nachos. On a good day, he might make a little more for a burrito. But my emotional right brain and heart is having a hard time letting go of something that’s just become so comfortable. Something I am used to. I almost don’t know anyone else except Benito. And no one knows me like Benito.

Why can’t I let go? Because I think Benito laced those crunchy thick twinkling tortilla chips with something to hook me in the beginning. Damn him for my addiction! I don’t know what it was, but it was some substance that made those chips shine. Sparkle. Glossy with the grease that oozes out of the two types of curly cheeses like the oily activator that drips out of a pimp’s jeri curl onto the collar of his dark dried leather trench. *yummy*

Perhaps it’s the salsa. I always wondered why I didn’t mind that those two salsas are exposed to the open air of 3 a.m. germs, and even when the salsa level gets down to the disgusting dregs and burrito backwash, I still scrape around the bottom of the stainless steel container with that tiny ladle for every last drop to soak my chips and cheese. Liquid burn in, and it definitely a liquid burn out. *ouch* Was that too much information?

Oh well, I can’t write about this anymore. It’s too painful. If I think too much, I might only remember the good, forget the bad, and give in again. I can’t do that.

*tears up photo into tiny shreds and tosses into blog* I just can’t.

I’ve got to keep telling myself I don’t need it. I’m better than that. I deserve….tangerine.

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  • Jennifer

    Insert requisite tangerine dream reference here.

    Seriously though, before you know it you will have started a whole new d_ _t meme!

  • berly

    ah, jeez. just start training for that dang 10K, and eat what you want.

  • Anonymous

    You know, I haven’t seen Tang anywhere here in I don’t know how long. Do they still make that stuff? I’ve seen Kool-Aid trying to make a come back, but not Tang.

  • sarah

    jennifer: well, i actually should improve some of my eating habits, you know – like NOT eating instant ramen. :) but that’s not dieting. that’s just naaaaz-tee to begin with. lol! i USED to run. really, i did. but right now, la fitness is making bank off me because i pay them every month but haven’t used my membership in about a year!

    anonymous: hm not sure on the tang! now that i think about it i haven’t seen it anywhere in the markets here either.

  • hermz

    Don’t worry Sar… I’ll keep Benito company during your absence. I might see him tonight even. =P

  • sarah


    i’m actually pretty amazed that i went the entire weekend without:

    1) that evil evil stuff that’s worse than heroine

    2) BENITO’s!!!

    but i am very proud of myself *pats self on back*

  • Anonymous

    How come when I order the $2.xx nachoz, all I get is chips and greezy cheeze.

    What is your secret? Is there a code word? Perhaps a secret Benitos handshake?

    Tell us of your secret!

  • Anonymous

    How come when I order the $2.xx nachoz, all I get is chips and greezy cheeze.

    What is your secret? Is there a code word? Perhaps a secret Benitos handshake?

    Tell us of your secret!

  • Anonymous

    Sarah, I think it’s time you know the truth… I spent the evening with Benito.

    Our tryst lasted a mere five minutes. I had to toss his chips in the trash when I couldn’t bear the agony of such an anti-climactic meltdown any longer.

    Benito gave you all kinds of stuff on your nachos, and all I got from him was cold cheese.

    Where’s the love?

  • sarah

    awww…am i the only one who sees the real benito?!?! lol!

    the onions, jalapenos, etc. are all from the miniature salsa “bar” by the cashier.

    i’m telling you, at 4 am, nothing beats benito’s nachos :)

  • Anonymous

    I agree that you should not dieting! You should just eat healthy and ENJOY your eating:)(it may be healthy just for you, but you should believe that;)

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