Brentwood Farmers Market – Life is No Longer a Blog of Cherries

brentwood farmers market - cherries
While most people were out enjoying the extended holiday weekend at the beach, on the poolside patio, on the veranda sparkling and twinkling with a dainty glass of Prosecco, I spent the better part of the Fourth of July weekend inside, at my desk, in front of my laptop, crying.

I have no idea why. I checked the calendar, and it was neither a full moon, nor any other “time of the month” that may cause spontaneous hissy fits of hysterical crying (and we’re not just talking about the menses – sometimes, Fridays make me cry, but I will get to that another day).

Technically, I know why I was upset in the first place. Accusations, lies, unrealistic demands, disappointment – they set me off, naturally, but I don’t know why it upset me so much that I was crying about it. On any other normal day, I would have let it all sink in, I would have stewed about it in silent anger, perhaps ranted with four-letter words about it in my diary, then diluted it with a Ketel/rocks. Of course, that doesn’t mean it isn’t still partially bottled up inside me and won’t resurface again in a few months, but at that moment, it would be diffused. And de-fused.

But today, I was affected. Immediately. It didn’t just sink in. It took a running leap, cannon-balled into an enormous sea of emotions and retaliated by sending a spray of white hot tears that burned like battery acid onto my cheeks and onto my keyboard. It was hideous.

It had something to do with censorship. Blogging censorship. I didn’t even know that such a concept existed.

sunday farmers market, brentwood, los angeles, ca
words get squashed

I was crying because I had been censored.

A few weeks ago, I published a post about a wedding. If you follow along with me in this Delicious Life, you know what a drunken, debaucherous Disney electric-lights-out-parade of a wedding it was. The wedding itself was beautiful and I did nothing but sincerely gush like a twittering cashmere twin-setted lady about how stunning the bride was in her dress, how GQ the groom was, how absolutely blissfully gorgeous the whole thing was.

But I had also written the back-story – the story about how I was invited and my speculation as to why I was invited. I spewed my immediate feelings into a post. There was no underhanded, vindictive intention of making the couple feel or look bad. I was simply expressing how I felt. I was hurt. I can’t, and shan’t, go into any more details about the post itself because in the end, I had to un-publish it.

sunday farmers market, brentwood, los angeles, ca - baby eggplant
do i offend?

I was censored.

Deleted. Bleeped out. Digitized and pixelated to protect identities of the innocent. Slapped with a warning label that ensured that no one would ever be offended, horrified, shocked, provoked, or unneccesarily exposed to smut.

Someone whom I shall refer to as “Mary” read my post, was offended, and asked me to “think about it.”

Mary said two things to me. First, she thought that what I wrote in the post would really hurt the feelings of the wedding couple about whom I wrote. If they were to ever read the post (which I doubt they ever would because who the heck reads this blog, let alone anyone I know), they would be shocked to find out how I really felt about the situation. Not about their matrimonial bliss, not about the event itself, but about the mechanics of the invitation.

Then Mary said that she thought that I was portraying myself in a very bad light, and that she didn’t want people to think that I was that horrible. Admitting that I had felt slighted in the first place made me seem small-minded and petty – that I should have been more understanding of the couple – and it was even more horrible to have acted so vindictively at the wedding. The worst of it though, she said, wasn’t what I actually did at the wedding, but the fact that I explained, in full expository detail, my stupid, childish, wholly immature and unrestrained behavior that makes me sound like the Asian version of Britney Spears, Yellow Trash. Yes, she was somewhat shocked that I (mis)behaved in that way, but utterly disappointed that I had publicized it.

I told Mary, though, that I couldn’t help the way that I felt, which later, she understood, but still didn’t agree with. I also explained that my behavior at the wedding was not premeditated. I had absolutely no vengeful intentions, and that I simply acted like a wild, Champagne-fueled baboon, only humiliating myself in the end. Apart from the 2-3 guests who were in my immediate vicinity, my actions went unnoticed by the 300 other guests, and in fact, Mary didn’t even know about it until she read my blog.

sunday farmers market, brentwood, los angeles, ca - beans
totally exposed

But, it was the fact that I blogged about it. To the whole world. For everyone to see. I should keep those things to myself.

Then Mary said she hoped that I don’t write about our other friends in that way in the future.

After our conversation ended, I sucked in a stunned breath and re-read the original post.

At first I was upset because I was upset. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t because emotions never make sense. Upset can mean a lot of things, and at that moment, upset meant every non-positive emotion from angry to sad to annoyed to frustrated.

I was angry that she thought I was wrong to even feel hurt in the first place. At least, as hurt as I made it sound in the post. I was hurt, dammit; that was how I felt. I cannot control how I feel. I was sad that she had been disappointed. Making fun of myself was unacceptable. Worst of all, I was annoyed and frustrated. By the time I realized that I had to censor myself, I was in tears.

So what do you do when you’re censored so hard that you’re affected to tears?

Well, hell. You angrily slurp down tofu pho because Pho 99 is the only thing that is open on an American
holiday while your internal monologue is steaming. “Why do I bother?” You stab your chopsticks into the tangle of noodles in the bowl for emphasis. “Why do I even bother blogging!?!” twisting it to make it hurt. “Why do I even bother blogging when every single *bleep*ing thing I *bleep*ing blog will be scrutinized, censored and diluted down to *bleep*ing back issues of Highlights magazine?!?!?” Broth goes flying as you wave for your chopsticks in the air – award-winning melodrama for an audience that doesn’t exist.

When all that’s left is wilted cilantro and your injured soul in the bottom of your bowl, you write your final “Good-bye, cruel blogging world!” post, which you never publish because you can’t. You just “Save as Draft,” because you’d never really quit blogging, but you also save everything you write, including a book report on Call of the Wild that you wrote in the 4th grade.

sunday farmers market, brentwood, los angeles, ca - apricots
my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump
sunday farmers market, brentwood, los angeles, ca - blackberries
ripe, dripping with dark sweet juice

The conversation with Mary isn’t the first time this issue has come up. It was, however, the first time that it affected me in such a powerful manner. It’s not quite censorship, but rather “What is acceptable here?” I have received comments, emails, IMs from readers who ask questions along the same vein. Do I really have to be so brutal and bitchy in a review? Do I really have to write so much about non-food things on this food blog? Do I really have to swear like a sailor, and use such erotic themes, innuendos and sometimes blatantly sexual statements that turn this blog into a whore-iffic exhibition of girl gone wild in the kitchen?!?!

My answer has always been…of course not. I don’t “really have to” anything. But I want to. It’s a blog for *bleep*s sake.

sunday farmers market, brentwood, los angeles, ca - black mission figs
black mission figs – is that too racial?

Television. Movies. Music. Even all manner of advertisments fall under the heavy axe of censorship for content, graphics, expletives and possibly potentially perhaps maybe implying something racy or race-y. They have responsibilities to a general public. They are big. They are business. They have legal-ness. Every so often, they need to be censored.

But this is a blog. Outside the big corporate blogs, even outside the personal blogs that have a wide audience, blogs are small. They are personal. They are opinions, and emotions, and feelings and fears that we’d never formalize in public but we put out there in public anyway. Blogs can’t be censored. What the *bleep* is the point of blogging if I am supposed to censor what I write? I am not writing a book. It’s not an article. I am not a professional. I am an amateur, a real person with real feelings and this is where I express them. On this blog. A food blog. Food. Where the most controversial thing is fois gras, and I don’t even like fois gras.

So perhaps I am allowed to feel this way, but maybe I shouldn’t have expressed it. Publicly. *sob*

And now comes my inner therapist.

I think 30+ years of not expressing how I really feel, not stating my opinion for fear that it may be wrong, or *gasp!* worse yet, that it might be right, is what has brought me to boiling point. No, it’s not “I think….” I know. For 30+ years, I have kept my mouth shut, and that is a problem. I have been proper. I have been prim. I have been so highly, perfectly programmed into never talking about the big four Taboo for Talk: politics, religion, race, and sex. You can mention the weather, but you shouldn’t have an opinion about it. And for Heaven’s sake, don’t curse.

sunday farmers market, brentwood, los angeles, ca - orchid
prim and proper, just like a flower

I have spoken only when spoken to, and I had to think before I spoke when spoken to, and in the end, there were so many rules and regulations, I just never spoke. I smiled through gritted teeth. I nodded silently. I never once confronted anyone about how hurt or sad or upset or frustrated or depressed or angry or scared I was about anything. Ever. The President? *smile* Political issues? *smile* Peace in the Middle East? *smile* Personal emotions? Why, I don’t have any, and even if I did, they’d be as happy as pretty pink posies in the sunshine. *smile*

It’s part of my personality, sure. Shy and introverted. It’s part of being a first born child, always expceted to be the “mature, reserved” one. It’s part of my culture where I have no opinion; where if some silliness *oops!* accidentally slips out of my mouth and you don’t like it, I immediately retract it, take a step back and punish myself; where I never use words with four letters because my mouth should only be big enough to squeeze out three at the most – “y-e-s” and “n-o”; where I pour your tea and quietly giggle. Like a geisha.

Or like Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty looks exactly like a geisha with her enormous white face, but unlike a geisha whose teeny tiny mouth is painted on in blood red, Hello Kitty does not have a mouth. She does not speak. She smiles with her eyes and purrs. On the inside.

hello kitty grows a mouth
get this f**king bow off my ear!

I have always been Hello Kitty.

But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. No.

Hello Kitty has now grown a fucking mouth and she is going to use it.

Too bad there is noth
ing inherently controversial about the Sunday morning Farmers’ Market in Brentwood.

** a year ago today, vegan tasted a lot like thai, and i accidentally made a moscato slushie **

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  • Kevin

    Wow, you need a t-shirt that could summarize this blog post.

  • suzunita

    Hey Sarah, I have never commented in your blog (one of those lurkers), but I have been an off and on reader. Let me tell you that you have brightened many a day by your witty posts and comments, so please go ahead and keep writing. I feel you are very smart and sharp. I am sorry you might be going through a tough time in life (losing job), but I am happy to see you are trying to spend it productively at least someway. I hope you get the job you want back, and keep your readers happy and most importantly yourself happy. Best wishes.

  • Catherine

    hahaha! i could only tolerate the “proper” behavior for 18 years. Of course, that was just around my mom. I was like cybil growing up, or more like the japanese, with a “front of the house” personality and a “back of the house” personality. I can’t say i’ve had to feel this way in a long time…sure it caused problems with the asian side of my family, but i didn’t really care about their superficial standards, but that’s life and it makes the world turn…glad you’re finally coming to terms with being more like yourself and saying “this is me. like it or don’t read it!”

    besides, we don’t need hello “sarah” kitty going postal on the blogsphere. ;-p

  • Raspil

    i’m worried about you. i don’t even know you but i think you’re headed for a serious meltdown if you don’t get off your blog for a split second and find out who you are. you are all over the place.

    you are obsessed with your blog. it has reduced you to tears, being censored. i was dooced once, i was fired and threatened with a lawsuit if i didn’t remove comments from a blog i had back in 2002. it sucked, i shed some tears; this was before i became self-aware. i learned from it. that is why i have two blogs — the other one is out there but no one can find it and no one can contact me even if they wanted to.

    because someone didn’t like what you said does not give you license to turn into a bitch. you are an adult woman (Hello Kitty?! are you serious?) and sound like a livejournal teenybopper. have some respect for yourself. no one will respect you if you’re a bitch, nor should they. i mean, you said yourself that you keep it all in and don’t rock the boat because why — you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings? you think that helps you any? your charity is killing you. you are freaking out and you’re posting it on the net.

    i like your blog, you are entertaining. but you are so self-absorbed that you are going to implode. it’s not going to get better if you think being a hardcore bitch is the answer.

    i’m not trying to be an asshole and i know you will either censor me because of what i’m saying (you did that last week in a post that you removed from the main site) but because you have skin the thickness of an onion, you won’t hear what i’m saying. you need to get some perspective. maybe i’ve missed it, but are you looking for work? there has to be something other than this blog that you can fill your life with. has to be. i feel for you if there isn’t.

    and if you didn’t want comments other than kissing your ass, you’ll leave this posted. you need a reality check. since i don’t know you, i can make objective comments.

    you have to stop caring about what people think about you. you should know that by now. when did you miss the boat? i’m sorry that you’re a broken adult but there is hope. there’s always hope. but being angry won’t accomplish anything.

    take a break from your blog. write in a journal by hand. do some volunteer work. get out of your own head or you might end up in a straight-jacket.

  • Dwightinsky

    HEY, MARY!
    Lighten up.

  • peachiee

    For all those people who have a problem with your writing, they don’t have to read it. No one’s forcing them to. Personally, I think your writing is great and your observations are keen. I’ll continue to read your blog. No one’s forcing me to. I’m reading it because I like it the way it is. What woman doesn’t go a little psychotic once in a while? People should not be hypocrital and shoot you down before asking themselves if they’ve been in your shoes before.

  • Kevin

    rapil: you seriously need to shut the fuck up and pull your head out of your ass. You sound about like the most boring person on the planet. Is it written in your book that people past a certain age cannot enjoy Hello Kitty? Man, I feel so sorry for you.

    lacheesemonger: your comments are increasingly more and more disturbing. Are you some sort of cyberstalker, or just a freak?

  • Marin

    miss sarah–you are a gifted writer and i have laughed out loud many times when reading your blog. although i think raspil went overboard, i do agree that you need to get out of your own head a bit to gain some perspective. it’s unhealthy at your age to let someone’s dumb comments hurt you so much. this is, after all, your blog and you don’t owe anyone any favors. if you can’t take the good with the bad, then you should remove the comments option on the blog.

    perhaps you should take a little break from the blog. it would be a shame if you got burnt out from it and the enjoyment from writing went away. because you really are great at this, and i hope you continue. but only if it’s a pleasure for you.

    all the best, my dear!

  • bittersweet

    Sarah-I have to say, I hope you don’t take any of these comments, including Mary’s, too much to heart. Love your blog, love your humor, love your writing. Where else can you exhibit what you really feel about things if not the venue you created for it? I read this because you lay it all out there. It wouldn’t interest me otherwise.

  • bittersweet

    Sarah-I have to say, I hope you don’t take any of these comments, including Mary’s, too much to heart. Love your blog, love your humor, love your writing. Where else can you exhibit what you really feel about things if not the venue you created for it? I read this because you lay it all out there. It wouldn’t interest me otherwise.

  • Anonymous

    First off, I’m a lurker, so “hi” and I really enjoy your blog. Secondly, I totally understand the whole “first born” burden and how it’s our responsibility to act a certain way and like keep it together at all times. My family was the same way and really sucked. It does make you just want to stop talking/ participating, but we got to fight against that I think.

    I’m glad Hello Kitty is growing a mouth!

  • Anonymous

    First off, I’m a lurker, so “hi” and I really enjoy your blog. Secondly, I totally understand the whole “first born” burden and how it’s our responsibility to act a certain way and like keep it together at all times. My family was the same way and really sucked. It does make you just want to stop talking/ participating, but we got to fight against that I think.

    I’m glad Hello Kitty is growing a mouth!

  • Stephanie

    Good for you!

    You already know my feelings on that topic, so all that’s left to say is, go get ’em!

  • Marilyn

    In a nutshell, Sarah: I love your blog because it is honest. I love it because you swear and just don’t give a fuck. Sure, it may be a food blog, but it doesn’t necessarily have to stay on-topic. So what if you write about happenings in your regular life, weddings included?

    And while, yes, your wedding friends might one day read this blog and get upset (I started a blog covering the events and aftermath of a breakup with my ex-boyfriend, which he later discovered, and…woah, that sucked), at the end of the day, this is a forum in which you can do what you want. Screw ’em.

  • Daily Gluttony

    I think many people miss the whole point of a blog in the first place. You know what I say? Fuck ’em. Write what you want.

  • k

    Hi Sarah…I don’t really remember how I came to find your site, but a year later, I am still a faithful and avid reader. I enjoy your playful banter, contemplative self, and anecdotes on life. It’s witty and well written…shoot, I could read a boring post. But what fun would that be? Point blank: this is YOUR blog, YOUR self, YOUR thoughts, YOUR feelings.

    Keep it up girl. Best wishes!

  • KT

    Let’s go back to junior high for a moment, shall we? You KNOW why people feel the need to make negative comments or try to stifle the way you write don’t you? That’s right … they’re jealous. The age old drama. They read this and wish they could be as cool and witty and eloquent as you.

    Believe me … the way I know is because no one leaves negative comments on my blog? Know why? Because it’s boring and hastily written, so no one feels threatened by it.

    But you write long, fascinating and TRUE posts that suck people in and make people involved. I mean, look, you have people who don’t even know you all concerned and worried for you! That’s a gift, girl.

  • Heidi

    Here here. I second KT. Self expression is the point of blogging. Sharing our thoughts and rants. Just because we put them out on the table doesn’t mean anyone has to pick them up. When I get negative or judgemental comments I always think “dude, it’s just a blog post, not the core essense of who I am in every moment.” It’s their issue and their onion skin. You go, kitty sister!

  • Phil

    Hello, Ms. Kitty,
    Sorry to read you were in a personal crisis. Glad your next post, although a little troubling (memory loss + drinking) was more like yourself. In my most recent self-doubting un-employeed experience, I did what I do best. I gave a dinner party, just like one of my famous historic parties. I still got game. You do too! I am confident that I have skills useful in this world and am looking for somewhere to practice them. However not everyone out there cares for my sucess and some people will try to beat me down. I am keeping focused on my talents and not giving them that are ‘haters’ much air time.
    Phil

  • Phil

    Hello, Ms. Kitty,
    Sorry to read you were in a personal crisis. Glad your next post, although a little troubling (memory loss + drinking) was more like yourself. In my most recent self-doubting un-employeed experience, I did what I do best. I gave a dinner party, just like one of my famous historic parties. I still got game. You do too! I am confident that I have skills useful in this world and am looking for somewhere to practice them. However not everyone out there cares for my sucess and some people will try to beat me down. I am keeping focused on my talents and not giving them that are ‘haters’ much air time.
    Phil

  • sarah

    kevin: well, there you go ;)

    suzunita: well hello! thanks for stopping by, and of course, i totally appreciate that you’ve coem out of hiding to say hello! thanks for the words of encouragement :)

    catherine: going postal in the blogosphere? too late ;)

    raspil: thank you so much, seriously for kicking my ass and sharing what happened with you and your blog as well. i think i am at that point where now that i, like, you, have shed some tears, and am coming to realizations.

    i know for certain that i don’t want to turn into a bitch, and i hope that is not what is coming across in this post. rather, i took this post to simply express myself, something that i haven’t been able to do. if it just so happens that this time my expressions come across as bitchy, well, that’s this time. it’s not like always bitchy, but at the same time, life for me is not always a bowl of cherries. and i’s like to be able to accept and understand that it’s okay to feel like s**t sometimes, too.

    self-absorbed? that’s an understatement ;) i think that’s the reason i blog. some people blog to inform others. others blog to prove a point. still others are writing a story. i blog because i like to share stories, and because i am not creative enough to make up stories, i usually have to resign to telling stories about myself. i like having a space to write out all this stuff about how i feel about myself, my life, and expecially how i feel about food. yeah, food. sometimes i forget, but it’s not too long before i get back and remember that this is a food blog.

    your comment is truly being taken to heart. yes of course, this blog is meant to be for fun and entertainment, and when i first started, i had no idea where it would go. but now, though i wouldn’t say i’m obsessed, i take this blog pretty seriously. this also means that i take comments from readers pretty seriously, too, especialyl when they seem pretty well thought-out like yours.

    i just want to clarify that unless comments are unrelated, obviously spam, or lewd or freaky, i do not moderate comments. if they are personal attacks or are hurtful to me, still i leave them.

    thanks for the advice about taking a break from the blog. even before you said it, i was planning on it :)

    dwight: LOL!

    peach: “What woman doesn’t go a little psychotic once in a while? ” do you mean, what psychotic woman doesn’t get sane every once in a while? ;)

    l.a.c.: you think you know me, huh? what do you see that everyone else is so blind to ;)

    marin: you are right about being able to take the good with the bad. i don’t want to say thought, that taking the bad necessarily means i am always okay with it. i think it’s still okay to be affected – emotions are what make us human, after all.

    as far as this time, though, i was affected because the conversation really did make me think about what i was doing, why i was doing it, etc. it made me question what my purpose was and i think it scared me that i didn’t have a definitive answer. i have always been the girl with the plan. the long term strategy mapped out to the minute. but that was my whole life up until last year, and now, it is scary to live without knowing what will happen tomorrow.

    thank you, though, for the comment!

    bittersweet: thank you for your encouragement :)

    anonymous lurker: hello! i love being the oldest child, but sometimes, i wonder what life would be like for me if i wasn’t “expected to…” you know? and oh boy, does hello kitty have a mouth. LOL!

    stephanie: thank you for EVERYTHING :)

    marilyn: absolutely. this is a food blog, but if there’s one thing i’ve always believed, it is that food means nothing unless, well, it means something to someone’s life, you know what i mean? even if that “meaning” is something as simple as sharing a croissant in bed with your significant other.

    and yes, i agree. screw ’em (whether you attach “screw ’em” to the last sentence in the previous paragraph is up to you ;) )

    daily gluttony: you know i love you and your sassy self, right? ;)

    k:thanks so much for being a fithful reader! you don’t know what it means to hear something like that!

    kt: now now, don’t go putting YOUR blog down! i love gastronomy 101! and thanks so much :)

    heidi: yep, sharing rants and raves, and the funny thing is, while it IS just a blog post, i guess we sort of do have to expect that someone will read it, and if comments are enabled, we have to expect that people will comment. it would be naive of me to think that every person who happens to stumble upon this blog would agree with everything i said and would totally write glowing words of love and adoration in the comments. but you know, yeah, sometimes i think the same way. “dude, it’s just a blog.” LOL!

    phil: ah, and when do i get to experience one of these historic dinner parties?!?

    thanks for sharing about your experience. we’ll both make it, i’m sure. :)

  • ventisoychai

    Hi Sarah,
    First off let me say that I LOVE your blog. It’s refreshing, hysterically funny and you truly have a gift for writing. Your blog is as much about you as it is about food and that’s what makes it so unique. You say and do things that I would never dare do – I’m an “old (happily) married woman”, so I get a kick reading about your single girl “Sex in the City”-esque escapades. Plus I get to see a side of LA that I don’t know and I thank you for it.

    I thought long and hard about your censorship post. So here goes. Whew. Yes, I think that bloggers should be able to write whatever they want BUT with that freedom comes the price of taking responsibility and standing up for every single word typed. Blogging is public for god’s sake – you want to be heard otherwise you’d just write it down in a locking diary like we all had when we were eleven. Sure, being able to air innermost thoughts and feelings is very liberating but doing so puts you in a very public and vulnerable position. And people will read your blog and react. That’s just the way it is. So the only strength that you can get from being in such a vulnerable place is to defend and believe in every single word you said. Therefore, if it’s not something that you could feel comfortable saying face to face to someone then for crying out loud don’t post it. Otherwise it’s just a drive-by attack.

    I totally understand how upset you were at how you were invited to the wedding. (And I thought that was a great post by the way) But, forgive me for saying this, culture and birth order and gender aside, I don’t think that what you wrote was something that you would have said out loud to the newly married couple. So that being the case, you’re taking too huge a risk when you say that the newly married couple will never find your blog. You cannot count on something staying private and hidden on the internet. Especially when the subject of a post moves in a circle relatively close to yours. It’s like if I wrote about how much I hated a certain kind of coffee versus what a freaking jerk my last boss was. The chances of my freaking jerk boss reading my blog and getting pissed off are way greater than Mr. Starbucks jumping on a plane and hunting me down. I say post it if that’s how you feel but be proud about what you just said because there might come a time when you have to stand up and defend your opinions and statements. You’re awesome!

    Sorry for ranting and being so repetative. Stay strong!

  • hermz

    Your picture of the “prim and proper” flower made me chuckle. Good won!

    As for the rest:
    >>hug<<

  • sarah

    ventisoychai: thank you sooo much for your thoughtful comment, and thank you for the kinds words about the delicious life. glad to know that you appreciate my escapades ;)

    now…

    i am in total agreement with you about “the price of taking responsibility and standing up for every single word typed.” though i am shy about meeting people and have said many times that i “hide” behind my blog, that is merely a personal flaw – i am a bit awkward in new social situations. however, i do stand behind my words and opinions 100%. granted, i make mistakes, i am always the first to admit it when i do, apologize, and correct myself. but other than that, i am all about being accountable for my words.

    however, i am not sure i can completely agree with you about “defend and believe every single word you said” equating to being able to say it face-to-face to someone. in the real world, that may be true to some extent – i think it has something to do with common courtesy, i.e. if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all. but that doesn’t mean you don’t think it. in fact, i think the two concepts are totally separate.

    in the real world, i am courteous. we all are. if all of us went out blurting out every thought that passed through our heads, first of all, it would be really loud, and secondly, we wouldn’t really be all the different from monkeys. heck, even monkeys have some sort of “civilization.” however, imho, the same concept doesn’t cross over so seamlessly into the blogging world. I believe the blogging world is much broader in terms of thoughts and expressions. that’s not to say that I believe people can go recklessly making criticisms, arguments, and spouting off in an offensive way, and especially not anonymously, but I do believe that many times, a blog is the perfect medium for expressing things that are hard to say out loud. in my case, it’s emotions.

    I think perhaps the last line of my post makes it sounds like I want to turn into this unrestrained, hyper-opinionated mega-bitch that will say “whatever I want whenever i want and I don’t care if you care.” i don’t mean to sound like i necessarily want to use this blog as a place to shout out my opinions and blast other people and restaurants, but I do want to use what I have found to be the best outlet for me.

    i wasn’t trying to offend, nor was i trying to cut anyone down with the original wedding post – to me, that was a simple venting of my feelings, and while i doubt i would have proactively sought out the wedding couple and told it to them, if they ever did ask, i would tell them how i felt (nicely, of course).

    you are absolutely right that it was pretty naïve of me to think the couple would never find the post. this is the web, for goodness’ sake. i took down the bulk of the post, though, not because I was afraid they would find it. if they did, yes, I would own up to it and have some explaining to do. I edited the post because it upset someone else who is deeply important to me. I am okay with having done that. But I have to think about what I write in the future, because of that. Do I post it? Do I not post it? Do I express myself on my blog exactly as I feel, or do I censor myself? I am still learning how to walk this very fine line, and unfortunately, it’s much harder to do in high heels ;)

    anyway, thanks so much for the comments, ventisoychai and everyone. every one of your words has affected me and made me think a lot.

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