El Guapo Cantina – Identity Crisis and Porn

el guapo cantina, los angeles, ca
Here’s the thing. I have nothing of true substance to write about El Guapo Cantina. Nothing. Up until about a year ago, I didn’t even know this place existed.

el guapo cantina, los angeles, ca
el guapo is not spanish for “hot sex”

Now I do.

Yay for me.

The fact that I can’t write anything about El Guapo Cantina is disappointing, but I shan’t sit here and wallow in my inability to come up with some creative way to incorporate, oh I don’t know – something, anything – into a lovely story about the evening’s experience, the food, the drinks, some pop culture metaphor because that will depress me.

*sigh* Nothing fresh and creative. Sorry.

El Guapo Cantina is not a bad place for people in the neighborhood, but every neighborhood has one of these “Cantinas.” Baja Cantina in the Marina. Cabo Cantina, with not one, but two (yes!!) locations on the Westside and up on Sunset in West Hollywood. And in LA, on Melrose, there is El Guapo Cantina. Of course it is not coinkydink that all the places have the word “Cantina” in it, are obnoxiously colorful, serve monster margaritas in every obnoxiously fruitybootylicious flavor, and have decently attractive servers who wear flat-belly-baring baby t-shirts. (I hate them. I hate all of them and their perfectly flat feminine abs!)

el guapo cantina, los angeles, ca - miller lite
miller lite – that’s classy

That’s about all I can muster from myself. Oh, and that El Guapo Cantina is a Frat House Spring Break in Cancun w0000t!!!11! cantina type place that doubles as a sports bar because they serve very large pitchers of Miller Lite. Yes, El Guapo has a permanent schizo identity crisis.

But you know what? So does this blog.

At its core, The Delicious Life is a food blog, with a heavy emphasis on dining out around Los Angeles. But sometimes, it wants to be Sarah’s personal therapy blog. Apparently, other people think this is some kinky porn site that incorporates food and sex. Food? Baggage? Sex? What? Yeah, I’m confused, too.

By studying key word patterns on my statistics counter, I have discovered that google searches are the highest source of referrals for me. It’s not surprising, since people often use this crazy thing called The Internets to find information about restaurants, and since I write about everything from The Abbey to Zip Fusion here, well, people find their way. It’s good, I guess. But a little sad really, because most of my traffic is from one off visitors who come, jot down a telephone number, maybe make note of what I thought of the place, then off they go to AOC or Campanile or Hooters (just kidding – I have not written about Hooters here, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been there), never to return to my Delicious Life.

I am just a rest stop on this grand interstate freeway called the I-blog. I have come to accept that while many other blogs are regular, loving interludes with a fairly wide audience with whom the blogger has developed a relationship, I am merely, how you might call it? I am merely a fling. A delicious tumble through the sheets of phyllo. Just a couple of hot clicks and then…I am left alone, asleep, only to wake up with just a little dent in pillow on the emty side of the bed. I am that girl. Good for one time fun, but not for a lasting relationship.

But strangely, the people who actually do make it to my site through google searches are not looking for restaurants only, I think. Unless they are looking for porn restaurants. Many of the key word searches include very *ahem* interesting, non-restaurant-related terms. Here’s a short list, with a link to where they end up on my site:

*** Alert! Alert! NC-17 warning here! If you care to protect your virigin eyes from SMUT, skip ahead to the triple asterisks about 20 lines down! ***

barely legal
breast, breasts, naked breasts, nipple, nipple, soft pink nipples
sex, sexy, sexy beast
hot sex
hot porn
sexy porn
asian porn
asian girls making out
naked asian girls
hot kitty
naughty kitty

*** What the hell?!??!?! Now the fact that these searches actually bring up my site is at once both disturbing, and strangely…I don’t know what the word is here – funny? Yeah, hilarious.

No, fools! It is not hilarious. It is weird and disturbing. Where on earth have I ever said “hot kitty?!?!?” I guess it’s a little bit funny that someone searches for pornographic sites and whatnot, and ends up, disappointed no doubt, here. LOL. That is funny.

But I guess when life gives you lemons, you use them in a kinky way to your advantage. So I have decided to drive traffic to my site by littering this already useless, non-creative post about El Guapo with sexy keywords, which I’ve already done by simply listing them outright up there. LOL!

Oh gawd, how integrity flee flee flees out the front door when you have no job.

el guapo cantina, los angeles, ca - fajitas
hot, sizzling on a platter
el guapo cantina, los angeles, ca - quesadilla
quesadilla oozing with hot cheese

We went to El Guapo Cantina, which could be Spanish for “The Hot Sexy Porn Site,” but really translates to something more along the lines of “the hot, sexy, cute, handsome.” We went there, along with a veritable harem of friends to surprise another friend for his birthday, arranged by his very hot, sexy girl friend (who, I think, is actually now his wife). It didn’t quite end up being an orgiastic, orgasmic orgy of sorts, but we still had fun, drinking to excess, eating chips, salsa, guacamole, and I do believe a few people actually ordered food: grilled chicken breast fajitas, big, thick, juicy, beefy burritos (actually, I don’t think “beefy” is that sexual of a word, but hey, I’m throwing it in there anyway), and a few other things that just won’t easily incorporate the word “nipple.” The food was hot, sizzling, not particularly tasty, but hey, that’s okay. We weren’t expecting hot sex on a platter.

So there you go. That’s about all there is to know about El Guapo Cantina. It has a permanent identity crisis, just like this hot sexy asian food porn site, chicken breasts bared and all.

And if you’re here reading this entry because you were looking for hot sexy asian girl porn, um all I can offer you is that photo up there in the upper right hand corner.

Use your imagination.

El Guapo Cantina
7250 Melrose Ave (@ Alta Vista)
Los Angeles, CA 90046
323.297.0471

www.elguapo.homestead.com

** a year ago today, i had a total of eleven cookbooks **

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  • KT

    That’s because it hasn’t been around that long …

    And guess who owns it?

    Ben Affleck.

    I can never wrap my head around that concept. How does Ashton Kutcher do Dolce, and Ben Affleck does this place?

    I find this place to be kind of gross, but I know they recently remodeled, so maybe it’s nicer now?

    I just … felt like I was walking into a frat party when I went there.

  • peachiee

    Guapo? Doesn’t that mean “bat shit”? Maybe I’m thinking of something else…

  • KT

    Ha ha! That’s GUANO! “Guapo” means “handsome” in Spanish.

    You must be too young for “The Three Amigos.”

  • djjewelz

    MY VIRGIN EYES!!!! I have never seen such filth, well, except at Avalon, Vanguard and Spundae.

    ok nevermind. On my site, the biggest driver of traffic is a picture I have of the tallest woman in the world. They don’t care about me…but they do care about the tallest woman in the world.

  • JoAnna

    ooh, oh, that (uhhhh) chin. it’s making me so (ummm….) hot. Yeah. (tee hee!)

  • NOT Rachael

    Wait a minute…there aren’t any hot naked asian girls making out on this site? Damn, what have I been doing wasting my time here?

    Cheers, and sorry to hear about the lack of actual porn on your site…

  • Acme Instant Food

    You’ve named the reasons why those Filthynet searches pulled up your blog. You see, certain words you mentioned carry inate, built-in connotations that have actually crossed over into the territory of their true definition. For example, when you write about the Abbey you’ve just opened the doors for millions of Googlers searching for “drunken sex parties,” “public fornication,” “Bacchanalia,” “glistening, naked man servants,” and of course, “industrial strength vomit stain remover.” Behold the power of words.

    The more I read “The Delicious Life” the more I love you. You are hysterical. And hysterical, combined with talent, rates a high mark in my book. You never know, the next time you are at the Abbey, or Marix, and somebody leans over and says, “your bag is fabulllouuuss” is could be me. Okay, I’ll NEVER use that word. Never. But you get the idea.

  • Anonymous

    Girl, even when you “have nothing,” you’re pretty damned funny. Good job.

    Now where’s the porn?

  • Acme Instant Food

    Oh, why don’t I start to proofread these things before I push the “send” button. *Sigh*

  • Hannah

    you are missing the MOST IMPORTANT THING about El Guapo Cantina and really the only reason to eat there (the food is awful, awful, awful)…

    It is in the building that housed Donna Martin’s store on 90210.

    (Okay, the only reason if you are as pathetically obsessed with Bev Niner as I am.)

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