Gay Men Don’t Drink Fruity Cocktails


Unfortunately, we had to *eek!* grab each other by both hands, squeeze, air *kiss kiss* on either cheek, and say “oh, my daaaah-ling amor, adiós, adiós!” to the restaurant called Gozar in West Hollywood several months ago. It was a surprising and rather abrupt, as I had neither heard nor read about Gozar’s closing until I simply saw that the sign was gone on a rare but familiar drive up Santa Monica Boulevard toward Hollywood.

Gozar didn’t seem to be doing poorly the few times I’ve eaten/drank/lounged/walked by their perfectly prime location right there on the corner of Santa Monica and Robertson Boulevards. The sidewalk seating was always full of faaaaaabulously styled men giggling over a tableful of untouched tapas, and even more beautiful men serving them cocktails. Perhaps it wasn’t necessarily business, but…something else? A lovers’ quarrel between the business partners? Slim shady dealings going on behind the kitchen doors? Who knows. I’m too lazy to look it up. Besides, it’s much more fun to use my imagination.

So it would be a dreadful waste of creativity, writing energy, a blog post, and cyberspace in general, to write about the totally fruity mango kiwi salsa scooped up with crisp, long, thick plantain chips that were wonderfully appropriate (naughty!) and a delicious way to off-set my Absolut citron/soda as I sat there alone waiting for my playpals. No one will ever be able to pierce the plump, delicately flaky empanadas filled with who-cares-now-we-can’t-have-any. What a shame that the fairly decent skirt steak, not good because it was a little overdone, but decent steak of skirt, won’t be brought to the table by a luscious cabana boy in a plain white Hanes beefy T. What a shame.

plantain chips
long, strong, banana got it goin’ on
tropical fruit salsa
soooo totally fruity

Instead I’ll just take the opportunity to talk about how much I love gay men.

I love gay men. Love. I love their blown out, bedhead, sleek chic hair, love their killer style, love their taste in shoes (theirs or mine), love their eeking shrieking over Project Runway. I love them. Sometimes I wish were a gay man so I could actually date a gay man.

Ooooo. K. What a lie.

Even if I were a gay man, I would never date another gay man! Unless he were fatter, shorter, and uglier than me, and we all know that there is no such thing as a short, fat, ugly gay man! I’m such a competitive bratty, selfish, divalicious little princess like that. (If you think you see or know a short, fat, ugly gay man, he is not gay. A gay man would at least work out and be a short, fit ugly gay man.)

So anyway, we had dinner at now-gone Gozar before we were to go to Here and/or there (which is the Abbey) for very very very (don’t suck it down with a straw all at once) strong drinks. Whilst we were dining, I noticed that the most beautiful, fruity-licious, creamy dreamy, tropicana girl flaming gay drink on the table was not mine, even though I was the only female. BUT, it was also not the drink of choice of the gay manfriend, who was drinking a gentleman’s G&T. No, the marvelous mandarin martini (it asctually had a much gayer name, but I don’t remeber what it was) was being sipped by my non-gay, uber-hetero, football *grunt* man sport *grunt* of-Midwest-orientation friend.

I laughed.

Then I stopped. Nothing wrong with drinking a fruity martini, okay?

** a year ago today, the secret code word was “nanbankan” **

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  • jackt

    “If you think you see or know a short, fat, ugly gay man, he is not gay.”

    dude, what about the obese gay wiseguy on the sopranos? he was dressed like one of the village people on sunday’s episode.

  • sarah

    jackt: oh jackt, don’t you know me at all?!?!?! i don’t watch tv ;) BUT i find it hard to believe that said obese wiseguy was gay. impossible. EVERY gay man i have EVER seen parade his pretty self around me making me pea green with f-AB-ulous envy has been extremely not obese.

  • sarah

    jackt: oh jackt, don’t you know me at all?!?!?! i don’t watch tv ;) BUT i find it hard to believe that said obese wiseguy was gay. impossible. EVERY gay man i have EVER seen parade his pretty self around me making me pea green with f-AB-ulous envy has been extremely not obese.

  • Skip

    Can’t we come up with another name for these frou-frou drinks other than “martini”?

    Is it because it’s served in a martini glass? If I put cheeze whiz in a shampoo bottle, it’s not shampoo.

    (It’s nasty.)

  • peachiee

    I second Sarah- I love gay martinis AND gay men!

    GAYGAYGAYGAYGAY!!!!

  • Stephanie

    I knew a tall, ugly, fat gay man with no sense of style or hygiene, and who couldn’t dance. I’ve often thought of calling up the Fab 5 to give him a refresher course…

  • sarah

    skip: frou frou is right. a martini is a martini. (i make exception for the dirty martini which is pretty damn good, tho a bit trying-too-hard). a frou frou drink should be called, oh, i don’t know, sunrisesexonthe-maitai-razzledazzle-keylime-chocolatecream-kiss-sugaredrim-garnished-with-umbrella-andmaraschino-fruitcake. *blech* lol!

    peachiee: lol! gaygaygaygaygay!

    stephanie: oh dear, you said fab 5. you know who one of my dream dates who might make me turn into a gay man is? ted. i love ted!!! ted should have his own show. i love him. lovelovelovelove.

  • Stephanie

    Oh! I adore Ted.

    Technically, I should ‘go’ for Kyan, but he reminds me too much of my ex-boyfriend, the Ex-Boyfriend. A nicer, cuter, less asshole-version of the ex, but it’s enough to make me choose Ted as my ‘gay boyfriend’!

    But since I’m married, you can have him.

  • Stephanie

    Oh! I adore Ted.

    Technically, I should ‘go’ for Kyan, but he reminds me too much of my ex-boyfriend, the Ex-Boyfriend. A nicer, cuter, less asshole-version of the ex, but it’s enough to make me choose Ted as my ‘gay boyfriend’!

    But since I’m married, you can have him.

  • sarah

    stephanie: have him? i would, but *sigh* i’d only be able to keep him as a gay pet.

    oh well. i’ll take what i can get ;)

  • d.t.

    Some of us are not that fabulous, nor do we have pretty plastered bed head.

    You may be right about the obese thing though. In fact, I should probably be at the gym right now instead of reading BLOGS ABOUT FOOD. :-)

  • Anonymous

    yeah, that whole bit is pretty offensive. Gays come is all shapes, sizes, backgrounds and everything else. You are living some sort of deluded fantasy about a stereotype that in my experience does not exist. You clearly don’t have much experience any gay men in the real world so until then, I would hold my tounge before speaking about it ever again.

  • Anonymous

    Fuck you. Your description of a gay man is completely restricted to one group of gay man that exists in television and is completely stereotypical and offensive. I will say it again. Fuck. You.

  • RVS

    Stereotype?

    I’ll say again – try and get it through your thick skull: seriously, you are being very, very, offensive to LGBT people. Grow up.

  • Anonymous

    I was absolutely shocked and furious when I read some of the things in this short and party very inaccurate article regarding the things you write about homosexual men. Certain parts just went from stereotype to stereotype! I think you should meet many more members of the LGBT community before making such generalizations such as, I quote: “(If you think you see or know a short, fat, ugly gay man, he is not gay. A gay man would at least work out and be a short, fit ugly gay man.)” . I will have to agree with one of the previous commentators! Here is an extra large FUCK YOU!! from a not so skinny gay man.

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