Recipes for rice upset me so much that I cope by writing blog posts about it …
Not about rice.
About recipes for rice.
This might sound a little racial, but whatever. You know how proud I am of my peoples.
I assume that Asian people are born knowing how to properly cook rice. If an entire race can come shooting out of the womb knowing how to do something, it can’t be so difficult that it requires written instructions, which newborns, even the prodigy-level genius Korean newborns, wouldn’t have been able to read anyway.
But let’s ignore the whole “Asians Already Know How to Do Everything” thing like everyone else seems to do, and focus on the fact that cooking rice usually involves an electric rice cooker. Have you ever seen a rice cooker? It knows how much rice you just put in. It knows how much water you put in. It figures out how long to cook so that your inaccurate ratio will still render a perfect pot of soft, sticky, just-beyond-al-dente steamed rice in which each grain maintains its individual granular integrity.
And that’s even if you forget to plug it in.
So a “recipe” for rice, like “recipes” for sandwiches, salads, and boiled water, just seems…superfluous.
It’s not just the simple methods of cooking rice, either. Recipes for rice dishes also seem a little bit unnecessary, particularly Fried Rice of any race or religion. You just chop shit up. Throw it into a frying pan with enough oil to offend someone who is watching. Stir it until it looks cooked.
You need a recipe for that?
No, you don’t.
You also don’t need a recipe for April Bloomfield’s Herbed Steamed Rice, which is why I’m not giving it to you. I am, however, sharing my tweaked version of it, which is so awesome and unique and above everything I just said about rice recipes, that it requires a recipe.
My recipe uses sturdier, healthier, and definitely more racially superior brown rice.
Asian people would never eat rice this way.
Herbed Steamed Brown Rice
based on Herbed Steamed Rice by April Bloomfield, published in Food & Wine magazine, October 2011
In the original recipe, April Bloomfield steams long-grain white rice in a regular saucepan on the stovetop. I’m Asian. I don’t cook rice in a saucepan unless I’m camping, and even then, I’d still use a rice cooker plugged into some kind of battery-powered generator. I steamed brown rice in an electric rice cooker with garlic and onions first, then tossed butter and fresh herbs into the steamed rice right before serving.
1 cup brown rice, rinsed and drained (Bloomfield uses long-grain white rice)
3 garlic cloves, smashed
1 medium onion, diced
2 cups water
2 tablespoons butter
Kosher salt to taste (about ¼ teaspoon)
¼ cup chopped mixed herbs, such as parsley, chives and tarragon
Put the rinsed rice, garlic, onions and water in the rice cooker and let the rice cooker work its genius. When the rice is cooked, do not open the lid, allowing the rice to sit in its own steam.
Remove the rice to a large bowl. Lightly fluff the rice. Toss fluffed rice with butter and chopped herbs until butter melts. Season to taste with salt.