Honey Nut Cheerios – Houston, We Have a Problem

honey nut cheerios and raisins for breakfast on continental airlines
Everyone had their doubts. “Really?” they would ask with polite incredulity. “Are you really going to get on a plane?”

As the girl who perpetually cries, “Airwolf,” I had my doubts, too. In a move that would make United out of ORD seem as punctually precise as the Navy at dawn, I delay-delay-delayed and then cancelled my flight to one of my closest friends’ wedding. I backed out of flying “home” with an Ex to meet his family (which probably contributed to his becoming an Ex). I was booked on a 45-minute VIP “hop up the coast” but switched it at the last minute to a seven-hour road trip through the Central Valley because “driving” may smack of “plebe,” but VIP may mean your limp, de-pressurized body smacks into the ground first when the plane goes spiralling downward in a disastrous plume of smoke and fire.

After all that, what would possess me to entertain the idea of air travel in the first place, and furthermore, what made me think I would actually really truly actuallyactually get on a 10,000-ton metal deathtube this time?!?!

I had my reasons, but I shan’t enumerate them because 1) I’m not at liberty to disclose them rit nao (that’s “right now” with a geographically unplaceable accent) and 2) my mind and body and soul are still reeling from the two –wtf? yes, two — flights to New Orleans. Apparently, airplanes that are better suited for coping with a hyperfreak sensitivity to turbulence, i.e. bigger, must get tired because they’re bigger, so they have to lay themselves over.

All I can manage rit nao is listing some of the less ohmigodIamgoingtodie- without-having-eaten-at-urasawa thoughts that were going through my head from 4 am until I finally got to exhale when we landed at MSY. Obviously, a clear, concise, witty, intelligent, well-written, highly entertaining report of the trip will follow…in your dreams.

What you can really expect to follow are my blog posts.

LAX to IAH to MSY air travel on continental airlines
Random Thoughts That I Would Have Twittered Had I Not Had Both Hands in a Death-Grip on a Bottle of Xanax

  1. Cabfare to LAX is $40. I doubt that’s legal.
  2. Everyone has to take their shoes off to go inside the gate area. Even the non-Asians.
  3. Jody Maroni’s Sausage Kingdom in Terminal 6 is not open at 5:15 AM on Sunday. I’m not sure about the the other days. It’s a shame, really, because a sausage breakfast sandwich would have been nice.
  4. Especially since Egg McMuffins have historically been the only reason I ever went to the airport.
  5. Our pilots’ names are Marty and Les. Marty and Les?!?! Can we really trust our lives with people who go by Captain Marty and First Skipper-or-whatever-they’re-called Les?
  6. “Cross-check” is a term we should incorporate into our daily language.
  7. Why do the people in the in-flight safety video look so calm? Obviously, this was staged. And it’s misleading to call it a “safety” video. There is nothing “safe” about a crash landing.
  8. I kind of want to tune into the channel that broadcasts the cockpit, but I don’t know what I would do if I hear Captain Marty say “Houston, we have a problem.”
  9. Watching movies without sound is like watching TV…uh…without sound.
  10. Continental serves (complimentary) in-flight meals! They must be the last airline that does that!
  11. Then again, Continental served Honey Nut Cheerios with raisins. Who the hell puts raisins on Honey Nut Cheerios?
  12. I had a Honey Nut Cheerio stuck to my butt this whole time.
  13. It’s pronounced “You-ston.”
  14. LA’s airports are named after John Wayne and Bob Hope. Houston’s airport is named after George Bush. I don’t know why that’s funny, but it is.
  15. H-town is humid-er than a bathroom after a shower. Of course, I wouldn’t know because I don’t shower.
  16. There is a defibrillator in IAH. Good thing, since I DIDN’T BRING MY OWN DEFIBRILLATOR. (Seriously, the in-terminal defibrillator was very disturbing.)
  17. Southern accents, like superbly fitting suits worn with no tie, charm me.
  18. Clouds are turbulent. I don’t like that. And where are the f**king Care Bears?
  19. Take-off isn’t too bad. If you’re into that kind of reckless abandonment of your life.
  20. Landing, on the other hand, is very very very VERY(!) bad.
  21. Buckeyes, the edible kind, do not hold up well in carry-on luggage. Buckeyes, the inedible kind, are good for holding your carry-on luggage.
  22. LSU’s fugly colors look suspiciously like the Lakers’ fugly colors.
  23. When I become a billionaire and want to wield my spending poweress, I would never buy a private plane. I just wouldn’t. A private bus, maybe, but not a private plane.

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