Kitchen Confidential – I Should Never Have Kids

kitchen confidential, anthony bourdain
I’m not a parent (yet), but I think I’d be fairly accurate when I say that there are a few universally accepted parenting rules regarding gifts from your own children. Let me illustrate with a situation that may or may not have occurred in real life, and if it did happen in real life, it certainly didn’t traumatize me, or at least not to the point where I bring it up over and over again.

Let’s say you’re a parent. Let’s also say that it’s your “special” parent day, perhaps your birthday or maybe Mother’s Day. You and your family are sitting around the kitchen table after a dinner of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because that’s all your kids know how to make. Your children have gathered around you. Each one has deposited a gift in front of you, some of them wrapped in the colorful Comics section of the Sunday paper, some of them wrapped in notebook paper, some of them not wrapped at all, but stuffed inside a paper shopping bag and taped shut. Your kids are giggling, eagerly anticipating your surprise upon unwrapping each gift, barely able to contain their excitement about the perfect gift they got for you. You open each one, each gift from each of your children, and no matter what it is, you absolutely looove it.

Parenting Rule No. 1: You love a gift from your child no matter what kind of ugly, useless refrigerator magnet it is. You love it.

But more importantly, no matter what each of your children gave you, you love each one of your children exactly the same. Even if Sarah painstakingly fashioned an ashtray for you shaped like a heart, not a valentine, but a real human heart because it represents her love for you, and you don’t even smoke, you love her and her gift as much as you love Jennie who gives you…a Lexus LS 430. You love both of your children equally.

Parenting Rule No. 2: You love all your children equally, regardless of the difference in “value” of their gifts.

You don’t play favorites, right?

Right? You’re supposed to love your children all equally no matter what, right?!?!

You’re supposed to, and though you hug everyone and tell them each how much you love them all and how all their gifts are equally awesome, even though one is an ashtray and one is an effin’ car for god’s sake, deep down inside you know you secretly love the child who gave you a car more. You wouldn’t have, really, you wouldn’t if not for the $14,000 Ultra Luxury Upgrade that includes an 11-speaker 240-watt Mark Levinson audio system and a voice-activated DVD Navigation System with backup camera and Bluetooth technology. You do love Jennie more! You don’t want to, but you do.

I’m not a parent (yet), so this loving of all my children doesn’t apply, but the general concept does. I like to think that in my Delicious Life, I love my all my readers and commenters equally. Heck, I even have a strange affection for the spammers. Just because one reader visits every day and comments on every post doesn’t mean I love him more than a reader who visits once a month and doesn’t comment but I know he visited because he shows up in the stats. (Don’t worry, I’m not keeping tabs on you all. Really, I’m not). It is understood that I love you all, all the same.

Except.

Deep down in my heart, right now I love one of you more. *hangs head in shame*

I don’t want to; I want to love each and every one of my Delicious readers equally. I’m human. I’m sorry. I can’t help it because Mark bought me a present. He bought me a book and had it sent to me! It wasn’t just any book. It is Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential. Thank you, Mark! You are the best!

I love all my Delicious readers, but I love Mark the most.

Yes, yes, I know. I should never have kids.

** a year ago today, i was all a’flurry with homemade curry **

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Grace April 23, 2006 at 3:45 am

*gasp* such audacity!

although, speaking honestly.. i would love mark a whole lot more too if he sent me a book.. a book by anthony bourdain, no less! kudos to you mark, i can’t be mad at that.

p.s. – you should love your kids equally, but breed competition. “oooh look at what jane bought mommy! mary, what did YOU get mommy?” who knows, you might just get anthony bourdain himself one day! (;

i definitely should not be a parent. lol.

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2 sarah April 23, 2006 at 4:39 am

“breed competition”

you are too funny! lol! isn’t that the same thing?!?!

yeah we both should have puppies and plants first before ever having kids!

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3 Catherine April 23, 2006 at 6:50 am

That is an great gift!!

I read the Amazon.com review on the book and it says: Most diners believe that their sublime sliver of seared foie gras, topped with an ethereal buckwheat blini and a drizzle of piquant huckleberry sauce, was created by a culinary artist of the highest order, a sensitive, highly refined executive chef. The truth is more brutal. More likely, writes Anthony Bourdain in Kitchen Confidential, that elegant three-star concoction is the collaborative effort of a team of “wacked-out moral degenerates, dope fiends, refugees, a thuggish assortment of drunks, sneak thieves, sluts, and psychopaths“… OMG, (“sneak thieves” lol!) I couldn’t believe how accurate that information is! From personal experience, funny enough I almost want to say it’s across-the-board accurate ;).

I’m inspired to purchase this book myself.

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4 jackt April 23, 2006 at 7:41 am

It’s important to love all equally. And sometimes one is more equal than the others.

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5 santos. April 23, 2006 at 11:26 am

is that all it takes? i guess i’ll just keep the lexus then.

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6 peachiee April 23, 2006 at 11:57 am

You make me glad I’m an only child. Can’t imagine jostling for my parents’ love. LOL!!

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7 sarah April 23, 2006 at 3:51 pm

cat: i actually started reading the book about oh, five years ago? when my roommate at the time was a chef and got the book as a gift. i started it, but for some reason, i stopped. i think i was so into my work as a technogeek (as in technology, not the music, LOL!) that i couldn’t stand to stop and read anything. well, i finished the book in two nights. LOL! maybe i’ll let you borrow it!

jackt: is that what you tell your kids?!?!?! lol!

santos: yeah, that’s what i told my sister. actually i told her that mom would be proud of her generosity and love her even more if she gave ME the car. :)

peach: you know, i usedtobe toooooootally jealous of my friends who were only children and didn’t have to share anything. LUCKY!

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8 Anonymous April 23, 2006 at 7:47 pm

UGH. You are too much. Bragging about receiving gifts from readers? Please. It would be good for all of us if you never have kids.

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9 U April 23, 2006 at 11:05 pm

Looks like ‘anonymous’ received an ashtray for her last birthday!!! Rowr!

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10 Anonymous April 23, 2006 at 11:49 pm

anonymous: i didn’t think it bragging so much as a sincere public thank you to the generous person who sent it. i think i need to work on tone in my writing. LOL!

u: lol! but not my ashtray. my ashtray is AWESOME.

~ sarah

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11 Anonymous April 24, 2006 at 12:30 am

What a great gift. I have that book and have read it cover-to-cover and quickly, I must say. I love Anthony Bourdain, I love his books, his tv shows, his personality and his taste in rock n roll.

You will love the book. It has some profanity in it, you should know. BUT it is just a great book, as is Cooks Tour. I love his attitude – he lets you know exactly how he feels – about his job, about his friends, his co-workers, his life.

Everything is out there for you read. To comment on.

Terrific book.

What a great gift!

I want his new book and his new series on DVD! A friend of mine has tivoed them and is putting them on a DVD for me. I can’t wait. I can only see one at-a-time on On Demand Travel Channel. So far I’ve seen Paris, Las Vegas and somewhere in Eastern Europe (some kind of bakistan country). Well done.

Enjoy the book. Thanks for the post.

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12 onetomato April 24, 2006 at 2:27 am

that teacher’s pet, mark! damn it. now i have to throw this ashtray out and buy you an apple. :)

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13 Maure April 24, 2006 at 3:01 am

so this second hand copy of “the best of the galloping gourmet” from
1971 is now worthless. what a waste
of my wrapping paper: food sections from the fresno bee.

the exec. chef where i “work” was a cohort of a. bourdain’s back twenty years or so – the man is for real – a hard living, hard cooking son of a gun who’s got
our sarah wrapped around his finger.

i don’t think i should have bet the rent money on miguel. oops.

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14 Catherine April 24, 2006 at 3:31 am

aww sarah, that’s so sweet! thanks for sharing, you’re not such the non-only-child-brat you’d like us believe. ;)

i’ll have to add the book to my wishlist. after all july’s just around the summer corner. :D

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15 Catherine April 24, 2006 at 3:31 am

aww sarah, that’s so sweet! thanks for sharing, you’re not such the non-only-child-brat you’d like us believe. ;)

i’ll have to add the book to my wishlist. after all july’s just around the summer corner. :D

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16 sarah April 25, 2006 at 9:48 pm

anonymous: i love everything about the man. in fact, i think i may re-read the book this week, just because i love reading the way he puts words together.

onetomato: oh yes. an apple! i’ll take a pink powerbook.

maure: you know what is so funny? i was just thinking the other day about weird tv shows that i loved and miss now. galloping gourmet is one of them. i love graham kerr – the original food tv.

cat: maybe i’ll start a little foodie book lending program! read, write your notes on the inside cover, then mail to the next person. wouldn’t that be cool?!??!

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17 Catherine April 25, 2006 at 11:13 pm

sarah, that would be brilliant! then again, you run the risk of that *one* person who decides to hijack this well noted, well scribbled in community book and auction it off for big bucks on ebay and you’ll never, ever, EVER see the book again! i mean, who the heck would do such a thing like that??!!

My address is…

hehehe :p

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18 hermz April 27, 2006 at 7:17 pm

OK, I see. Marshmallow Peeps = human heart-shaped ashtray. **sniffle**

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19 hermz April 27, 2006 at 7:17 pm

OK, I see. Marshmallow Peeps = human heart-shaped ashtray. **sniffle**

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