Optimus Prime Makes Crappy Coffee

coffee beans in a food processor
Do not attempt to grind whole coffee beans in a food processor.

food processed coffee beans
more than meets the eye

If you do, your adorable 5-cup food processor will bust an Optimus Prime and transform itself from an innocuous Cuisinart into a “does-not-compute” Decepticon, spewing dark, dirty coffee bean shrapnel out of the little “feed tube” on the plastic top that is now a mega-cannon. Your kitchen counter will be nothing but the gruesome aftermath of a frenzied battle between a red-eyed, caffeine-starved kamikaze humanoid and heartless machine, littered with complete and utter coffee bean carnage.

You see, grinding coffee beans in a Cuisinart results in Peet’s wildly unpopular Mourning Blend – a motley brew of dejected whole beans, beans sadly chopped only in half, and a light coffee dust that is akin to something you’d cut into lines with your now-useless pink Coffee Bean card and snort. (Yeah, for two seconds, I thought about it). If you’re a purist, you’d never brew such ungodly excrement from a Cuisinart. Of course, if you’re a purist, you’d own your own damned Braun coffee mill, so never mind.

food processed coffee beans
picking up the pieces

But I’m not a purist. I’m a caffeine-deprived addict. Addicts lose all sense of reality when they’re fiending. Like a nappy-haired homeless freak muttering to her other self and rummaging through the trashcan next to the bus stop for an unfinished burrito, I picked over the debris left behind in the bowl of the fatally wounded Optimus Prime, mumbling something about “never giving in to the Evil Starbucks Empire,” and brewed the deep, dark-roasted detritus. It was morning, so yes, I had nappy hair, too.

The coffee tasted like…probably what that unfinished burrito in the trashcan tastes like. I threw it out. Even an addict knows the difference between crack and rock salt.

According to the legends, Optimus Prime passed on to the great Autobot parking lot in the sky in 2005, but my Cuisinart is still in critical condition in the Burn Unit of the ER for a motor that overheated to the point of reeking like gourmet napalm. And I had to surrender. I went to the market and bought a ridiculously over-priced bag of ground coffee.

But it wasn’t Starbucks, so take that!

*sigh* Peace in the Delicious universe has been restored. But only…until the next episode.

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  • Skip

    Transformers?

    Transformers.

    You know we love you, right?

  • sarah

    lol!

    yes, transformers.

    how sad is it that i know the words to the theme song?

    *sigh* pretty sad.

  • MM

    Even sadder that I started humming the damn song after that …

    I am so glad I was not the only one who murdered my food processor (that claimed to have a spice and coffee grinder function! The bastards!) when I tried to grind me own coffee. Like you I was trying to resist the call of the Starbucks Empire.

  • Daily Gluttony

    Sarah,

    Girl, you are too much. You had me ROTF with your Transformers theme. What next? Go-bots and He-Man?

  • City Muse

    Ahhh, the Transformers. My bro was crazy about them, collected all the robots. He’s in his 30s now and still has them all, in mint condition, in the original boxes. He can sell the whole set for a pretty penny, I gather.

    I remember the Transformers movie, with the great Orson Wells providing the voice for Unicron who said to Galvatron,”For a time, I considered sparing your wretched little planet, Cybertron. But now, you shall witness… its DISMEMBERMENT.”

    Speaking of the Transformers, here’s a cute Citroen ad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bc2eG-OcrXs&search=real%20transformer

    As for coffee, I miss the kape barako, which is strong native coffee grown in the province of Batangas, in my native Philippines. In lieu of that, I’m settling for Peet’s.

  • Clare Eats

    heheh I started huming it to LOL

    You so need a coffee grinder, one with a burr and not a blade :)

  • Brendon

    Very, very funny.

  • sarah

    see, the thing is, okay, i kind of WAS a coffee geek, even bringing my own french press and grounds to work to brew at my desk because the shit they had in the breakroom was…well, shit.

    so i knew i couldn’t really grind coffee in the food processor, but i guess my inner macgyver took over and i had to find out for myself.

    i think in desperate situations, the blender is better than the food processor.

    ok, and i thought the go-bots were stupid. really now, GO-BOTS?!?! but he-man? that’s another story. just call me…battlekat (you thought i was going to say she-ra, didn’t you?!?! ha! faced, again! hahahaha! high five! high five!)

  • Xericx

    hah, I bring a french press to work too!

    I don’t bother brining my own ground coffee though. That sucker is hard to clean though…nothing like dumping the coffee grinds in the toilet…gross.

    You rock! Transformers, GoBots, MASK, GI Joe, He-Man….I had it all!

  • Anonymous

    hi sarah…been reading your posts for a while and i really admire your sense of taste… so here’s a strange question for you….my bf’s birthday is fast approaching and i don’t know a place to take him to. somewhere on the westside, nice and loungy yet lively. food kind does not matter. he will eat anything. needs a full bar. just wondering if you could just throw a few scraps of knowledge this way??
    :)

  • sarah

    city muse: how did i miss your comment about your brother?!?! LOL! all i can picture right now is the 40-year-old virgin. LOL! ok, i don’t mean to laugh at your brother, because i would LOVE to have transformers in their original packaging, but i was stupid and sold that stuff along with my barbies and cabbage patch kids in garage sales. stupidstupidstupid.

    anonymous: send me an email and i can respond directly to you. i have some ideas… deliciouslife[at]gmail[dot]com

  • djjewelz

    Holy Sh*t…you just said faced….FACED!!!!!

  • Catherine

    So, until recently, I worked for a chiropractor (Friday was my last day – whoohoo!) who’s friends with the owner of Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, who told this chiropractor when asked, “Why don’t you have Internet service in the shops?”, that he doesn’t want people to hang around all day, he just wants them to pay for their $4 cup of hot water and leave. BTW, and I’m being very hypocritical since I am a devoted addict of the Bean, did you know they charge extra if you tell them your order’s “for here” and not “to go”? Yep kiddies, you get fined for giving the WRONG ANSWER. The answer is, “Who is togo.” Remember that and you might save yourself a pretty penny, or 45 of them. :)

    So who’s down for a large kosher cup of Pomegranate Blueberry tea latte with soy?

  • sarah

    hey cat…yay for not working for the uh, chiro MAN, yeah! woo hoo! :)

    and i think the extra charge on “for here” is actually a sales tax. when it’s “fore here,” then it’s just like a restaurant, and you know they charge sales tax on your meals at restaurants.

    when it’s “to go,” then it’s like you’re making a grocery purchase, and we don’t pay sales tax at the market for anything that’s considered a grocery item (but things like toilet paper, etc. – those are all taxed).

    such a weird, stupid rule.

    LOL!

    damn, there’s another good topic for a blog post!

  • Catherine

    Sarah, I’m loving my new work schedule! The freedom is just priceless – but I fear all my extra time will be spent at places like the Bean…sigh, if I only knew what it was like to have will power against steamy, frothy cups of vanilla flavored anything tea or coffee related.

    Yes PEOPLE, I know caffeine’s “bad”…but so is the air we breath in L.A. so ppptttthhh! ;)

  • abraxis

    Yes, I agree. The Go-Bots sucked rocks, as does pulverizing helpless coffee beans in a Cuisinart!!

    Although Optimus Prime was supposed to be all that was good and pure of the Autobots, I found the Decepticons more interesting (and dysfunctional).

    Like Star Scream’s Shakesperian need to take out Megatron and to rule? And when he did, he messed everything up? I liked Soundwave. He’s like Stewie from Family Guy with a bad temper (and the ability to transform into a giant ray gun).

    My fave was Soundwave because he was gramatically impaired like Yoda. Apparently in his off hours, he was a breakdancer too! Gotta have a hobby..

    breakformers

    Now Dance!!

  • hermz

    “Mourning blend.” high five! high five!

  • sunny

    Thank you for these coffee facts:) I will know what to buy and what not:)

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