Spring Green Crunch Salad – Almost Legally Considered “Cooking”

spring crunch salad
It’s been a very long time since I’ve cooked, but I finally got myself into the kitchen and made…

…a salad!

F**k me. I know tossing things into a bowl with dressing isn’t “cooking” but I’m trying not to shock my system here.

Really though, it’s been so long that I can’t remember the last time I was in the kitchen making enough of a mess that would legally qualify as the result of “cooking” (except to fake my way through cupcakes, and since we’re being technical, “faking” is nowhere near baking, which is, in turn, a measured go in a chemistry lab, not cooking). I might have heated a can of soup in a moment of desperation. I’ve blended together smoothies. Poured wine. Mixed cocktails. I mean really, does filling my Brita pitcher to “make water” count as “cooking?”

There’s a theme here, though I can’t quite put my liquiholic finger on it, can you?

When I figure it out, I’ll let the world know, but until then, I’ll be making my way through a bowl of what will now take a permanent place in my personal recipe repository as Spring Green Crunch Salad, which is similar to, but not to be confused with the Green Crunch Salad that was so unabashedly the only thing out of the kitchen at The Penthouse that was, indeed, edible. The Penthouse’s cheese plate doesn’t count, since last I checked, it is cows and other certain hooved animals, with the help of their cheese-making owners, that “make” cheese, not cooks. And if we’re going to crucify me for claiming to cook because I threw together a salad, then I can, by parallelogistical (I made that up) comparison say that The Penthouse didn’t even cook the one thing that was decent either, thereby making it safe to conclude that The Penthouse can’t cook real food that requires real cooking.

Ooh! Ouch! I bet that one stung!

Yes, I made a salad and I wasn’t creative enough to make one up on my own, but I’d really just like to focus on the positive point here: I made something. That’s a lovely first step, and by the time I get to the 12th, I’ll be serving seared foie gras with truffle espuma atop risotto flecked with caviar.


Spring Green Crunch Salad (that is infinitely better than The Penthouse’s)
This is not a real recipe because we’ve already established that making a salad isn’t really cooking. However, if, by some crazy turn of the foodish universe you were to believe that there could be a “recipe” for something as simple as a salad, this is it.

Into a large bowl, throw fresh sugar snap peas, fresh snow peas sliced on the bias, cooked regular peas, and steamed, shelled edamame. Hell, if you’re all kinds of crazy, add lightly steamed asparagus tips.

Did I say “steamed?” *whoa* So there IS some cooking going on here!

Dress the vegetables with a spicy balsamic vinaigrette. I shook together 3 Tbsp extra-virgin olive oil, 1 Tbsp balsamic vinegar, 1 whole clove finely minced garlic, salt/pepper to taste, and crushed red pepper.

If I knew that my family wasn’t going to freak out, I would have added a few squirts of sriracha. Yes, I’m that nasty.

** a year ago today, i made oatmeal raisin pancakes because i have trouble letting go **
** two years ago today, eyebrows and sushi in k-town **

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