What You REALLY eat on W Day – Gastronomical Play-by-Play

wedding reception table
Holy Matrimoly, it’s Wedding Week! no. 8

6:05 am – Drag self out of bed after wake-up call from overly excited sister. Stumble in the dark to the kitchen and start brewing Hawaiian Hazelnut coffee, cursing all things perky, even my G*dd*mn perky-ass perkerrific perfectly percolating coffee maker.

7:15 am – Pick up bride. There is a small suitcase wedged between me and the car door, beginning to cut off circulation to my lower extremities on the right side. Why do you have a suitcase?!?! That’s my make-up bag, she smiles back. Oooo. K. I was rolling my eyes, but no one could see because I was buried under two very fluffy petticoats. Are we getting breakfast? I could really use a Sausage McMu… As we careen past the golden arches, curses again.

8:00 am – Arrive at salon. The ceremony is at 4:30 in the afternoon. Remind me again why we are at the salon SEVEN AND A HALF HOURS EARLY?!?! Another cup of coffee provided by the salon. Mm, tastes like wood. By the time we leave, I’ll have had three and half cups of wooden coffee. I feel like a termite. A termite in velcro rollers.

12:45 pmQuizno’s for lunch, hand-delivered to salon all the way from Brentwood by James. Hm, maybe a husband isn’t a bad idea after all. Then again, it is Quizno’s. Guys, I swear. LOL! I think I had some salad, but they told me not to ruin my lipgloss.

2:00 pm – Pile into cars, dressed in flip flops, faded sweats, and ratty tank tops…but with million dollar hair and makeup, baby! I need a Red Bull. Wait, I hate Red Bull. Never mind, give me a Diet Coke.

3:30 pm – I haven’t eaten all day, so why the hell isn’t the zipper just sliding right up on this gorgeous dress?! Does someone have WD-40? Tug, pull, squeeze, shimmy, and yes! It’s on. But I can’t breathe. That’s okay. Oxygen is overrated, and maybe being lightheaded will make this all a little more bearable. Can I have something to drink? The church provides coffee that tastes amazingly just like the salon’s coffee. Wood.

wedding day eats - banana and sprite

4:00 pm – Jess washes down a banana with a can of Sprite in the last half hour before there’s no turning back. Mom, in her dusty pink Mother-of-the-Bride outfit, waves a few slices of extra lean ham before Jess’s face. Extra lean ham. Your Mom brings you a Quaker Chewy granola bar. My Mom brings extra lean ham. Have I mentioned that I love this woman?

6:00 pm – It’s the cocktail hour for the guests, but tuxes and tangerine are running around the links with the photographer to catch the final colors of the California sunset. Good thing I pounded that Citron/soda, otherwise, it’d be really cold out there on the tenth tee.

7:00 pmI swore them off, I really did, but sour orange jelly bellies sure taste good with a champagne chaser.

7:30 pm – There are plates. Salad first, then Filet O’ Fish, which was, actually, “Filet? or Fish?” but I think I was bitter from no breakfast. Forget it. Open bar.

wedding day eats - wedding cake

9:30 pmWedding cake, frosting only.

11:30 pm – Chauffeuring the newlyweds back to their happy little home. “We didn’t get to eat! How was the food?” they asked. I don’t know, I didn’t eat either. 24 hour McDonald’s in Century City. As Mr. and Mrs, their first meal is…Filet O’ Fish and large fries, with a leftover bottle of Champagne rescued from the caterer.

Blog Widget by LinkWithin
  • augustusgloop

    Weddings are always great for the guests but never for the bridal parties! Your sis looks lovely, and I’m impressed you even managed to take any photos! Did you request a camera pocket for your gorgeous dress?

  • sarah

    ag: despite my contemptuous post, the wedding was actually pretty fun. just being at he salon at 8 am sort of threw me off, LOL! i took photos ALL DAY, but thenmy camera ran out of battery power after the first picture i took at the reception, which is so unfortunate. the reception was incredibly gorgeous, set outdoors in warm California’s late summer night, TONS of flowers and candles…all the good stuff :)

  • hermz

    All things considered, I bet it was a fantastic day. (Especially looking back on it now!) Reading your entries made me want to be there!

Previous post:

Next post: