Audrey Magazine’s To Be Seen – This Why I’m (Not) Hot

audrey magazine, april/may 2007 - the delicious life
Eek!

I am quite giddily tickled that I’ve been mentioned in the April/May 2007 issue of Audrey Magazine. (That “cover shot” in the image above is not me.) It’s just a short little paragraph, and it’s all the way at the end, but it’s very cool for me to have The Delicious Life listed as “some of our favorite online journals” along with Go Fug Yourself, Asian Beauty and Style, The Makeup Addict, Daily Dumpling, Nitro:licious, and Eater. Eater! I {heart} Eater LA!

(You hear me, Eater? I {heart} you! Um, need a writer? Call me!)

Seriously, this kind of thing never happens to me.

Never.

Well, maybe “never” is too strong of a word. It’s more like very few, and very far between.

But suddenly, The Delicious is everywhere. I guess when it rains, it reigns.

Does that sound conceited? Self-centered?

Who, me?

Me? Little Delicious moi?!?!

Well, of course me. Wouldn’t you be all kinds of high on yourself if you were mentioned in Audrey Magazine?!?!

Right.

As arrogantly bitchy as I may come off in all of various writings here on The Delicious Life, though, we all know that arrogance, in essence, is really just a flamboyant façade. What’s buried deep inside is a teeny tiny self-esteem that registers so low on the meter, even hearing-eye dogs can’t sense it.

Yes, yes, y’all, I have low self-esteem.

And I am a total egoiste. All I do is talk about ME – how blogging has made ME fat, how I’m so conversationally awkward that I can’t speak with someone unless we both flip out our PDAs right in front of each other and IM, how I shrivel and shrink into a shadow that hovers alone behind the buffet table with a death-grip on her fourth martini at parties, how I was blessed with the ugly genes (“blessed” – ha!) in my family cursing me with a disproportionate gnome body, limp hair, tiny eyes, and a forehead so broad and flat that it confuses the control towers at LAX. It’s all about ME; about MY life. What I think about food. What I like or dislike or love or hate. This is my Delicious Life.

It’s all about me.

But really now, would you think anything else? I’m a blogger; and isn’t that the point of being a blogger? So I can hide? So I can braise in self-pity and -hatred from behind a laptop screen while at once frosting this Delicious Life with layers of makeup and 4” stiletto heels that careen about the dining scene?!

Du-uh.

That’s why, for the last two and a half years that I’ve been spewing the mental sewage that festers in my very big brain on this here blog and whoring myself in and around various corners of the web, I have worked very hard to hide public evidence of my face – both in-person and in pictures. As I have mentioned before, I am not good with social situations. I am awkward, I stutter, I stumble over words and myself, I trip, I spill things, but most of all, I am so painfully self-conscious of the way I look that I prefer to just stay home to spare others the pain and suffering of having to look at my enormous moon-shaped, moon-surfaced, pasty-lake-skinned face and gnomely proportioned body. I hate the way I look, but yet I have a lot of pride, so in order to save myself the ridicule, I regularly scour the web for any trace of my face, then eradicate it. I remove all pictures of myself, demand that they be taken down from other sites, bribe with what little cash I have, threaten with blackmail, etc. I might fall apart if someone were to point and luahg from looking at me.

Not that I think anyone is even looking.

But now. Oh boy, now. Now my picture is out there. Not once. Twice in one place, and again, three times.

It makes me feel really weird and uncomfortable and I kind of want to *gag*.

But I’m still smiling :)

** a year ago today, $12 for a cocktail was painful at the redwood room, san francisco **
** two years ago today, i never worry when it’s hurry curry **

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